Spaceship Repairs Complete

Now I know this isn't the most beautiful ship but this hunk of junk is the best the engineer and I can put together during our short time on this un-advanced planet with unrefined materials. 

As some of you may have figured out from looking at the size of this vessel, all of us will not be able to fit aboard at once. Fret not, a few of us will return home now in order to submit this Earth to be registered as a new planet on the official Intergalactic Map. Unfortunately this  legal process involves a lot of paperwork and can be tedious but I can assure you that within the next six months we will be able to come back to Earth and rescue the rest of the our crew. 

Obviously this will be a difficult decision to make so everyone will have until the end of this week to make their final decision about staying and who is leaving. 

P.s. In order to travel in our vessel we need either the engineer or I to be aboard since we are the only ones capable of piloting the ship ;)

Security Report: Digitally Assailed?!

Hello Normal Hooman Buddies who are definitely normal.  "Security Buddy" Manta here again.  Sorry for long lapse in digital-based communication.  I was having trouble with the human computing-device I use to access the human digital networking thingy.  I have been trawling through vast quantities of data to determine possible threats facing us, since several physical incidents have made me concerned.  (I still have not forgotten the results of consuming human 'fast food'.  The only 'fast' thing was how quickly it gave me a vastly unpleasant stomach ache).

In the attempt to acquire as much knowledge as possible, I believe I may have somehow damaged the computing device.  Either that, or an unidentified foe has realized my efforts, and sent a digital-based assault upon my device to delay me.  I must admit to my shame that due to my lack of knowledge of normal human devices, I was forced to take the machine to a local-based group of humans on the 'campus'.  They call themselves the 'Resnet'.

Despite my misgivings, the members of this 'Resnet' group proved most helpful.  I was careful to be vigilant and make sure they did not input any further bad programs or monitoring devices (though with how mystifying human technology is, I admit anything is possible.  Er, I should say, I am a normal human who is not good with... new human tech?  Haha!  Jokes!)  Anyway, they uncovered many 'viruses' assailing my device.  They even seemed a little exasperated at me, for reasons I cannot determine.  I of course erase the 'browsing history' to ensure my data searches for the group stay secure, but the Resnet members just rolled their eyes when I said that.  They told me to be more 'responsible' about what websites I visit from now on, and to get a life.  I am thankful for their help, but their words are anything but kindly.

Regardless, I am trying to show much more caution from this point on for the sake of being a good 'security buddy'.  I now have no less than four security programs running on my device! :D  True, it is running very slowly now, but safety first, as I always say!

What a week...

Geo reporting. Apologies, it has just been made aware to me that Smazlorg Jones had been scheduled to be obtained at airport location, however I assure my absence was not careless. I was merely on a mission with Deg’ore in search of a human vechicle in the outskirts of the city. I noticed that most of the human machines were already occupied and contained machinery that would indicate some sort of theft system, I chose not to meddle with these as to remain unnoticed, however suddenly Deg’ore caught glimpse of a small invertebrate skittering about the botany. Deg’ore, completely out of her element and instinctively triggered, was so pushed as to dart towards the invertebrate and chased it approximately 3 goddamn nuemerical peltromiters. After chasing Deg and attempting to convince her to stop running (as its creating a scene), Deg came back to her senses and ceased the pursuit. She apologized and then we continued our journey. To my content, Deg actually helped me stumble across a new piece of human technology. I found signs that stated, “Do Not Enter Beyond This Point”. Obviously after careful judgement and analysis of the lifeforms around, or rather the absence of them, Deg and I continued. We found something called a locomotive. Now the locomotive comes across as interesting to me because it seems to utilize atmospheric water in order to run the power plant. This is a huge step away from the car, as we would not need to mine for fuel: a silly, infantile use of combustion. As for the microwave, while we slowly found our way back, Deg’ore said she noticed the humans using these machines to create food and well, we’re starting to run low. Deg seems to think it’s not too far away from functional again. It took about 2 days to find our way back to the ship, thanks Deg'ore. I still have yet to figure out the human's GPS function. Apparently GPS is their form of interstellar positioning (IP), without the use of the gravitational mesh.

Vehicle repairs are VERY underwhelming!!

I went to check on our "vehicle" this morning, which apparently has been left unguarded in an open field. Now I may not be an engineer, but even I can tell that THIS:



Will not suffice as a replacement engine! I don't know exactly what this is, but my human host has one in her living quarters and it definitely does not produce enough energy to run a vehicle! What has been happening in my absence? Where is Engineering? Does anyone on the team actually know where they are?! And who has done such shoddy repair that a Monhartra larva could do a better job?! Please respond as soon as possible.

Communications officer Shmazlorg Jones signing in

I have returned from my research expedition in the human sector of "Mexico". My search for "illegal aliens", reported to be coming from Mexico, has turned up no fruitful results. It is highly likely that these illegal aliens are not actually extraterrestrials. The wellsprings of human vernacular are deep and mysterious.

I was very disappointed that no one met me at the airport. Engineering was scheduled to pick me up after acquiring a human vehicle at  14:15 Eastern Time, 4/16/2017, but I found friendless and completely alone. Very disappointing indeed. I instead found transportation with a friendly human who has agreed to host me in her apartment until I can find alternative arrangements. I hope that I will be able to join the team in whatever base they have located.

I have set up an account on the popular website "Facebook" in order to assimilate with the local community. Here is the link to my Facebook "profile". 

I trust that you all have been very busy during my absence and that we are well on our way to getting off this planet.

Hey Guys!

Thanks for inviting me into your blog group, roomies! It took me a while to figure out the site, but I'm excited to be a part of your activities, especially since this seemed to be very important to you, even if you seemed to not realize who I was. I know some of you have been acting kinda weird around the place since you got here, but I hope you can settle in and get comfortable. You also seem a bit confused by certain normal things. I didn't know you were foreigners! You never mentioned where you were from, but if you're not into talking about that, I totally understand. If you ever need any help figuring anything out, though, like the toaster that was upside-down and had tissues stuffed inside, feel free to ask!

Around Town

Earlier this week I had quite the find when I went for a stroll in the so-called 'down town' area here. I was at first perplexed, since nothing seemed very down. In fact, due to the geological structure of the area, most things seemed up. Including the buildings. Up. Up. Up.

Anyway.

As I was out conducting research on normal hooman behaviors (I'm hoping to prove our texts wrong on the hostility and lack of intelligence they claim hoomans have), I came across many artistic representations of the hooman male genitalia.  It seemed every where I turned, there was a phallus. It's so nice to see how supportive of artistic endeavors other hoomans are. I also enjoy the fact that, though anatomically incorrect, its obvious our fellow hoomans are practicing and trying very hard to learn how to correctly draw the male phallus. And in doing so, they are spreading art throughout the common areas of their 'down town'.

I wish I could find these artists and tell them to keep up the good work.

With Love,
Essi

Hey weirdos

Okay "hoomans" or whatever you want to call yourselves. One of you went missing, and rent's coming due soon. Since you're always hiding around, it's hard to tell, but if you plan on staying in this house, you best plan on making up their rent money. No way am I doing that, and you all signed a sublease, so we can kick you out.

Cheers,
-Derek

Nutrition Analysis: Hooman Food

It seems that we are stuck here on vacation for awhile so I should start conducting research on this foreign planet place to ensure our chances of survival and extraction.

After one week the crew roomies and I got sick of consuming nutrient brews for every meal of the day. Although the security buddy seemed content with the simple, bland taste of them, perhaps due to their advanced military training it takes to get a security position on a vessel of our caliber.

Since our normal hooman roommate Derek scolded us for not cleaning up the dishes, I inquired for him to take us out to eat some exquisite hooman food stuffs. Derek offered to treat us but since he was low on currency he decided to take us to get some of the "fast food".

"Does this food travel at a faster rate through the digestive track? Is the food thrown at you and you must catch it in your mouth? Must you eat the food quickly before it melts?" these are among the few questions we barraged Derek with but he simply told us "We just have to experience it for ourselves".

We pulled up to the side of the McDonald's and Derek started conversing with the food menu. As if speaking a language different from normal hooman he asked for mysterious items such as big macs, mcdoubles, chicken mcnuggets, large fries, mcflurries, medium coca-cola, and sprites. He drove to the next window and within a couple hooman minutes the food was exchanged for one piece of green paper.

When we returned home all of the food was devoured within 15 hooman minutes..... we all quickly grew very tired and one by one fell asleep.

Seriously guys?

You've lived here one weekend. ONE. And you've already got this passive aggressive blog about trying to figure us out? Just talk to us if you got a problem. And acting like aliens? That's just sad. We don't have to keep you on the lease.

Also, learn to lock your computer. Win+L. For a self described security-officer, that's pretty sad.

Now, for the love of god, do the damn dishes. I swear, it's like you're in a race to make mold.

-Derek

Security Report: Probably Okay Maybe

Hello fellow normal huuman people.  Security officer normal human 'safety buddy' here with an update on our 'bike- automobile- not ship crash' situation:

I'm not going to sugar coat it, we may be in danger.  Still figuring this out.  As far as I can tell, the air and water and ground and most plants aren't killing us.  Not instantly.  Most sensors (by which I mean totally normal tools for that most humans have) are reporting our surroundings to be habitable by our standards.  But let's keep in mind that we're in a dense population center with many people.  I believe it to be an educational facility of some sort, but being, er... 'Canadian', I am of course unfamiliar with the charming non-Canadian human names for the things surrounding us.

My main concern is the general mindset of the aliens fellow normal humans around us.  There seem to be a wide variety, and I encourage all crew travel buddies to be cautious.  The ones who seem absorbed in menial tasks called 'homework' and the ones engaging in the apparently socially accepted habit of sleeping in public are probably safe.  But I have observed groups of humans in strange garb sparring in the fields around this education facility.  It appears dangerous, but I gather this is merely some sort of 'sport games' activity.  More on the danger of that later.

Anyway, I'd love to tell you more, but my nutrient brew break is starting in five minutes, and I'm not giving up my precious time off just because our crew buddy group has crashed our whatever it is that we're calling our 'not spaceship'.  For now, I recommend we meet up and try to find lodgings.

Security buddy guy out

Everything Is Okay

Hey guys! Do we still have proper body patching equipment? I managed to reopen a few of my wounds from when the ship- I mean automobile- I mean bike crashed the other day. It really hurts!

But besides that, everything is okay! I think this is really awesome! I mean it sucks. And hopefully we can get the ship- bike fixed super fast. But wow! Earth is something else, huh?!

The other day, I was walking down the street minding my own business and so many kind human males complimented me on my posterior. Such a loving community!

Alright, get back to me soon.

Also, I may be lost...
Please find me.

XOXO,
Essi